Parents in the Stands
by Dr. Keith Wilson
IAA, Winter 2003
One of the newer challenges of coaching high school athletics is to incorporate mental skills training so that young athletes are not just learning physical skills, but also developing their mental performance skills. These mental skill performance principles help players perform better on the field because they help harness the performance anxiety an athlete often feels before and during a game.
These same kinds of performance principles also help parents act better while watching from the stands. As I observe parents at high school athletic events, it is evident that parents experience anxiety just like their teens on the field.
Parents experience anxiety, just like their kids
Probably the biggest obstacle to high-level performance for a young athlete is anxiety. Young athletes don't necessarily recognize it as anxiety, but they sure know the symptoms. They recognize when their stomach has that strange churning feeling and they feel like throwing up. They know when it is harder to breathe and their heart is racing. They know when it seems like all the action is in fast motion.
They are relieved to some extent when a coach or trainer tells them it means they are experiencing 'performance anxiety.' They can learn mental performance skills to help contain and utilize this anxiety. When athletes can do this, they are more likely to move into 'the zone' where everything seems to work perfectly on the playing field.
Parents experience anxiety while they are in the stands as well. Each sport creates its own level of anxiety in parents. It may depend upon the level of contact in the sport or the skill level of the participants, but most parents start living the game with their sons and daughters. They can see themselves on the field, and they can feel the muscles twitch in their body as they feel their son catch a pass and then fumble the ball. Or, they feel the elation when their daughter hits a home run. Most parents live through their children to some extent while their child is on the athletic field.
The impact of the intensity web and tunnel vision
When parents start to experience an intense identification with their children, they are entering the 'intensity web.' Unfortunately, parents do not have the same outlet for the release of building intensity that players do during a game. Parents can't block the opponent. They can't dribble the basketball and focus their anxiety on that activity. Parents have to stay on the sideline or in the stands while tension builds in the 'intensity web.'
When the intensity level increases, the ability to think clearly decreases. When the intensity level gets too high, parents start to experience 'tunnel vision.' They literally lose sight of what is important in high school sports. Tunnel vision is often the reason parents act out at their son's high school football game or their daughter's volleyball game.
When parents experience tunnel vision, these five negative responses can happen at the athletic contest:
1. Parents forget that officials are human.
In most high school athletic leagues, the officials live in the local community. They may be your co-workers; their kids may attend the same activities as yours and they may even go to the same church. Yet, as long as they are wearing striped shirts and a whistle around their necks, too many parents feel that officials are fair game for verbal abuse.
Such abuse happens even before a parent starts to experience tunnel vision, and it only gets worse when a parent completely loses perspective. Tunnel vision prompts the abusive parent to say things he or she would never say to a co-worker, friend, or neighbor. Sadly, the abuse often turns personal. Simply put, such abuse has no place in interscholastic sports and should not be tolerated. Ever.
2. Parents forget their parental role.
Parents devote an incredible amount of time teaching their sons and daughters life skills, lessons, and values. Parents want their kids to know how to treat people and communicate properly with adults. Yet, when the parent is in tunnel vision, all of the values that have been taught to the child no longer seem to matter. Somehow, it seems okay to verbally attack the players on the other team or to humiliate the game officials. All of a sudden, it seems right to set a bad example for your own offspring.
3. Team goals are forgotten.
Before the season starts, the coach and players create team goals. These are process and outcome milestones the team wants to accomplish during its playing season. Parents should be informed of these goals. Hopefully, the team will also communicate to parents what their place is in the team's goals.
Parents probably believe that a healthy playing environment is important for the team. They probably believe that parents should be supportive of their athletes. But once they get caught in the intensity web and move into tunnel vision, often all of these team goals are forgotten. When parents forget the team goals, they often will feel justified acting out in the stands and feel powerless to curb their obvious lack of personal control.
4. Parents forget what their child wants from them.
Players do not want parents yelling at the coach. They clearly do not want a game official, school administrator, or security officer to ask them to leave the premises of the playing field. Nor do they want them to yell during or after the game. Upon reaching adolescence, many players quit playing sports because of the problems their parents cause at games or at home.
5. Parents forget that the opponent is someone else's son or daughter.
The players on the other team may be friends with your child in other contexts. They may know each other from club sports, other extracurricular activities, or even from church. Even if they are from out of town, they are adolescents, with parents just the same. If parents have tunnel vision, players in the other uniform now become the epitome of evil and somehow 'deserve' any abuse they happen to dish out. When players on the opposing team are demonized, then it is easier to abuse them.
As fans, we want to celebrate the level of competition on the playing field. The better the competition, the better both teams will play. Respect the fact that they are good players and are providing solid competition for the event.
When parents commit to creating a positive environment for high school teams, the level of performance increases. When parents are not creating distractions in the stands, players are more likely to play at the highest level for which they have been trained. It is not good enough for parents to say, "I will be good at my son's football game." Parents have to work to be in a positive zone while in the stands. When parents understand that performance anxiety can affect them in ways similar to athletes on the field, then they are more willing to work on strategies to help them stay focused in the stands. As parents utilize performance principles, they know they are not creating distractions for the players on the field.
The performance equation for high school sports is pretty simple: Positive playing environments lead to better playing performances on the field.
About the Author: Dr. Wilson is a psychotherapist and performance consultant in El Paso, Texas. He has been instrumental in the design and implementation of the mandatory parent program in El Paso, as well as the design of the Performance Partners program for the Iowa Soccer Association. The parent of two adolescent athletes, he can be reached at Wilson@TheWinningMind.com.
Involvement Or Interference
by Dr. Moe Gelbart
Fastpitch World, August 1996
Interference
1. Don't go into the dugout to give instructions or holler instructions from the sidelines.
The girls have coaches, and they have worked hard on developing cohesion and a mental attitude toward the game. Yelling out tips, advice, correction, or criticism will in no way improve your daughter's performance. Keep in mind, the content and accuracy of the information is not the issue. The advice you give may not be the same advice the coach has been giving the athletes, and you need to let the coach do the coaching, not you. Help not asked for is criticism. If your daughter has not asked for your advice, then don't give it.
2. Don't question the coach's decisions during or between games.
As a parent, you have a right to your opinion regarding playing time, attitude, criticism, etc. However, the 24 hour rule is recommended - speak to the coach 24 hours after the game, preferably by appointment, and in person. Don't send coach a letter or an e-mail. A day after the game, the dust has settled, tempers have cooled, and saner heads prevail. At that time, be specific as to your concerns. Beginning at approximately 14 years old, I believe it is important for you to empower your daughters, and teach them to take care of their own needs. Rather than speak for them, encourage them to speak up for themselves.
3. Don't make a spectacle of yourself during the game.
Loud and rude comments to umpires, opposing coaches, opponents or even your own coaches may seem humorous to you, but your daughter is cringing in the dugout with embarrassment. Always keep in mind that you are a role model, and act on the field the way you would want your own child to behave.
4. Don't tell your daughter everything she has done wrong when she gets home from the game.
Trust me, this is not what is considered quality time and sharing. You may thing it is helpful, but she feels criticized. In addition, she already knows that the error she made in the seventh inning that allowed the winning run to score was not good, and does not need to be reminded of it by you. Support her. That is the best thing you can do for her.
Involvement
1. Always be positive.
Learn to encourage, not criticize. If you don't have something good to say, say nothing at all.
2. Be a parent, not an agent.
Talk to your daughter regarding her concerns, and help her to learn to take care of most issues herself. Rather than criticize coaches and players and make excuses for her, take the excellent opportunity to teach her how to cope with adversity. Don't make lists of demands for the coaches to follow.
3. Spend time practicing at home.
In the years to come, you will both treasure the memories of tossing the ball around, much more so than of victories and losses.
4. Volunteer your time.
Ask the coach how you can help, and follow his/her direction. Your daughter will appreciate your positive involvement, and be proud to have you as part of her team.
5. Attend games and cheer.
As I have stated on many occasions, we must always keep in mind that positive self-esteem is the primary goal of sports, not [just] winning or losing. Cheer for your daughter and her team, and show the coaches that you support the team, no matter what the outcome.
About Northwest High School, Grand Island, Nebraska
Northwest High School, home of the Vikings, is a progressive Class VI (grades 9-12) school district that surrounds Grand Island and is located in the Northwest part of the city. The district employs 59 certified staff and 26 support staff to meet the needs of approximately 700 students.
The district encompasses 223 square miles and receives students from four resident Class I, K-8 schools--Cedar Hollow, Chapman, District 1R, and St. Libory. Northwest also receives election option students from northwest Grand Island under an agreement with District 2. Students attending Westridge Middle School use this method as their primary means to enter Northwest High School. Students from Grand Island and surrounding districts use the State Option Enrollment program to enter Northwest.
Activities offered by Northwest and recognized by the Nebraska School Activity Association include Football, Girls/Boys Cross Country, Softball, Volleyball, Girls/Boys Basketball, Wrestling, Girls/Boys Soccer, Girls/Boys Track, Girls/Boys Golf, Girls/Boys Swimming, Journalism, Speech, Vocal Music, Band, and One Act Plays. School sponsored events and activities include Art Club, Cheerleaders, Vikettes, Honor Society, Swing Choir, Jazz Band, FBLA, FFA, SADD, Student Council, and Foreign Language.
Northwest is proud of it's commitment to the renovation and upkeep of its facility; recently finishing a new library, some classrooms, and renovation of the central office and restrooms.
Mission Statement
The Northwest Educational Community will create an environment which will nurture the social, emotional, intellectual, and physical development of each individual.
Northwest Educational Community Value Statement
We believe education is a lifelong process to be a shared
responsibility of the school, family and local/global community.
We believe all students can learn when teaching methods are based on how they learn.
We believe an environment should be provided which will
enable students to succeed in an ever-changing world.
We believe that all students should be challenged socially, emotionally, physically, and intellectually.
We believe that all students should be prepared to take
their places as responsible citizens in our democratic society.
